Oh, Hamptons...

...our love/hate relationship continues.

This weekend was my friend Beth's bachelorette in The Hamptons. It was a blast and I am thoroughly exhausted, though certainly not as tired as the nine doctors, Beth included, who were with me this weekend and who have likely been working since 7 o'clock this morning. Seriously, I don't know how they do it.

In any event, I will summarize the festivities for you now in outline form. Because outline form is easier, and because it reminds me of college, which is where I felt like I was this past weekend.

I. Friday night, 5:30pm: Lil Bee, Beth, Lauren, and Jackie drive out to Long Island. Along the way they drop off Beth's fiance, Adam. No boys allowed.

II. Friday night, 8:45pm: THREE HOURS LATER they arrive in Port Jeff. Bee had forgotten how fun the ride out to Long Island can be, especially on a Friday evening. Add to the mix an accident, which left the L.I.E. closed, and torrential downpours, and this trip was just special. One bag of Tostitos with Lime devoured.

III. The girls are joined by two more friends for dinner at a local restaurant. Everyone is sleepy and passes out at midnight. Zzzz.

IV. 9am, rise and shine. Bee and the girls consume cereal, bagels, and fruit. The cover is pulled off of the pool and chaise lounges are arranged to face the sun. 

V. Approximately half of the Cornell Medical staff arrives, SPF is applied en masse, and crudites and Mojitos are consumed. Bee learns more than she ever needs to know about the human anatomy, childbirth, and something called an episiotomy. Bee decides to put off pregnancy for approximately 15 years.

Bee and good friend Lauren in happier times, prior to the night going, er, south.

VI. Personal chef arrives and cooks heaping mounds of steak, shrimp skewers, mac-n-cheese, and spring rolls. Beth's sister offers five home-baked dessert options. Bee selects one of each. Moo.

VII. One champagne toast and a round of drinks later, the driver arrives to take Bee and friends to their destination, a will-remain-nameless cheesefest in Southampton that Bee hopes never to see again. 

VIII. The van pulls up to a 7-11, somewhere between Port Jeff and Southampton. Seven girls pour out of the van and withdraw approximately $17,000 from the ATM, in anticipation of the horrificness that is a Southampton bar tab. Beth insists on buying 14 containers of Nerds. 

A. Nerds are those pink and purple candies you sucked down in the '80s. Beth was craving them, and what bachey wants, bachey gets.  

IX. One girl in the group drops a bottle of champagne all over the floor of the van. Approximately 5,000 Nerds join the champagne and are now swimming around the floor, nipping at everyone's toes. This is the result of an unfortunate bump in the road. A camera goes missing.

X. One hour and three Michelob Ultra Lights later, Bee and friends arrive at said cheesefest location. A disgruntled driver steps out of the van and helps nine slightly wobbly girls out of their seats and into the parking lot of cheesefest 2008. The missing camera is found, covered in pink and purple. It still works! All is right in the world.

XI. Nine girls pile into cheesefest headquarters. Approximately 14 bouncers and one girl-with-clipboard scowl as they step aside and let everyone into the club. $180 is paid to girl-at-cash-register, and nine girls walk into a completely empty bar. 

A. Someone checks their cell phone and confirms it is 11:15pm. 

B. NOT. A. SOUL. IN. THE. CLUB. 

C. WeFeelCool.com.

XII. Bee orders a drink for herself and two friends. $38. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Hamptons prices, below is a cost breakdown:
A. One Amstel Light = $10.

B. One Belvedere Soda = $14.

C. One Sapphire Tonic = $14.

1. Editor's note: One 750ml bottle of Bombay Sapphire costs $18.99 at Bee's local wine store. 

XIII. People start pouring into cheesefest 08. Roughly 90% of the crowd falls into the demographic of 17-23 year olds with too much money to burn. The other ten per cent are scary old guys leering at 17-23 year old girls. Bee and friends fall somewhere in the middle. WeFeelOld.com.

XIV. The DJ throws on Kanye West. This signifies the beginning of the dance portion of the evening. Nine girls join collegefest 2008 on the crowded parquet floor. 

XV. Two girls look for a place to rest and find a booth in the middle of the dance floor. It is empty and they take a seat. A man dressed head to toe in white linen, clearly on break from shooting Miami Vice: The Hamptons Years, grunts at the girls for sitting in his booth and insists that they move. He has paid $1,600 for this space, and apparently wants to be left alone. 

XVI. Bee and friends go to the bathroom. The bathroom is located in a TRAILER parked outside the club. One girl is chided by the bathroom attendant for only leaving $1 in the tip jar. A barefoot 22-year-old stumbles out of a stall and exits the trailer, clearly in need of a beverage. Bee shudders to think this was her, just three short years ago. Good friend Jackie reminds her that this was her just five short years ago.*

XVII. Forty seven thousand drinks and a shot of SoCo Lime Chilled later, nine girls pile into the van to head back to Port Jeff. 

XVIII. Bee experiences a brownout. Details remain fuzzy.

XIX. 8:45am: Bee opens her bag and takes stock of the contents. 

A. Camera: check. 

1. Incriminating photos: check. 

2. Erasing of incriminating photos: check, check, and check.

B. License: check. 

C. Phone: check. 

D. Wallet: check.

1. Based on money in wallet, it is estimated that Bee has consumed approximately 67 cocktails.

a. IFeelOldAndHungover.com.

XX. Paul picks up Bee and they drive out to Westhampton to a friend's house on Dune Road.

An example of a house on Dune Road. Clearly it is within Bee's price range. 

XXI. Bee estimates that, as long as she continues to party like a 19-year-old, she'll own a five bedroom manse on Dune Road in no time. 

XXII. A platter of salt and grease is consumed, and Bee feels like a million bucks. Which is fitting, considering she spent about as much the night before.

XXIII. Bee, P, and friends drive back to NYC. Bee passes out at 8:45pm and awakens eleven hours later. Bee is quite certain she's slept for forty seven years, since she feels approximately 9,000 years old. Bee vows never to drink again. Bee's body concurs. IFeelOldHungoverAndPoor.com.

Oh, and one more thing. You see that photo up at the top? That's my version of a curtsey. It's there because I found out this morning that I was Kirtsy'd by fellow writer and blogging friend Karey M of Mackin Ink. Isn't that fantastic?! To think that someone is posting about The Lil Bee makes me so happy. Check it out here. 

Hamptons, we will meet again. And I will show you who's boss. Until then, a curtsey.

*OK, maybe nine. Bug off.