I was going for this:
Stop laughing. It's incredibly rude.
Given the three weddings, one yet-to-be-determined August vacation, and various outdoor parties I have coming up in the next two months, I'm now officially in panic mode.
I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to turn to The Blueprint Cleanse. (Cue the Phantom of the Opera-like organ music.)
What is The Blueprint Cleanse? Well. In short, it's a 3- to 5-day liquid fast, designed to cleanse your body of impurities, brighten up your complexion, and whittle down the circumference of your ass.
Those of you who were not yet readers of The Lil Bee when I lost my mind and decided to drink garden mulch for five days straight, I encourage you to click here and take a walk down memory lane. It's important that you're mentally prepared for the mood swings you're likely to encounter here, once I begin the wretchedness otherwise known as cleansing-of-my-colon.
Should you need to reach me this evening, I'll be out on the town with good friends Melanie and Kiffer, because everyone knows that the best way to prepare for a fast is to go on a bender. The cleanse begins in exactly 13 days. Let the countdown begin!
Fat cow found here, skinny bitch found here, leafy greens found here.
30 comments:
oh man, you are a waaay stronger woman than for even making an attempt at a cleanse let alone following through with it. may the force be with you!
xo
kelly
my friend went through a cleansing diet similar to that. she struggled the first couple days, but got used to it later on. she did lose 10 lbs though. but she was already a size 3 anyway.
i also had a friend who lost the same amount doing the whole fruits and veggies thing. i'd rather do that.
though i would like to keep my ass round, thanks. it's the only curve i have in my body :P
Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes... there's no way I would ever survive it :)
What is in that anyway? How long do you cleanse for? I doubt you look like a cow - anyway, only the Brits refer to women as cows. As an American you have to come up with some other farm animal to identify with. Personally I like to refer to my behind as cellulite city.
Just don't lose that sense of humor with all those inches!
You are so hilarious! Im proud of you for doing this cleanse!!
Well have fun on the bender!
yikes! good luck with this :)
women here do that weekly!
they are hard core. as are you, apparently...or not? i need to review your old posts and check it.
i can't wait to see before and after pics! nudies, yes? ...did i seriously just write that out loud? eek.
I know I can always come here for my daily laugh - I've said it before and I'm sayin it again - you crack me up! Good luck with this. I have about zero will power so if I were doing it I'd last about 2 minutes.
Okay, it's official...I have to quit reading your blog while working since I can't keep laughing out loud!
Karey is so naughty.
I know how you feel. And nothing can match my sheer determination and focus when I need to get back in shape. Sending some of that your way :)
Crazy - does that really work? I didn't realize you were also a former design major. Oh design days. Thanks for the encouraging words and good luck! Keep us updated.
Ack! So great! I did a ten day cleanse a while back where I drank nothing but a lemon juice/cayenne pepper/maple syrup/water mixture, and it was incredible! I felt so good, but yes- the emotions were noticeable. :) GOOD LUCK!
(And THANK YOU so much for the sweet comments about my blog and patterns-- it's so appreciated!! And your blog is so great!)
Heehee....I love it!!!! Funny thing is that that was exactly what I saw when I looked in the mirror this morning also. Hmmm, I wonder how that happened?
i laughed so hard, i cried! i'm sure its not as bad as you think. good luck with the cleanse thing. i've done the master cleanser before, and quite frankly, it sucks! although, if you make it through to day 5, a cleanser high (like a runner's high) sort of sets in.
Bee? You know you're gonna "bee" the next big thang, right? NO, not your ass...YOU! You're too freakin' hilarious!!!!
I'd do this fast too if my ass weren't so tiny you can't even find it....whaaaahhaat...hold on...OH! THERE it is! I was wondering what that was covering MY SHOES!? Please, people resist the urge to put their drinks on it at a party so I understand where you're coming from. And the rest of me understands that it wants another Klondike Bar!
I did a two-day concord grape juice fast once. Not Welches but organic 100% concord grape juice. It was delicious! At first. "Butt" after two days of expelling pieces of my large intestine and one lost surgical instrument my skin looked FABULOUS though I was standing up...ALOT ;)
Hey...maybe we should do a bi-coastal blogging cleanse? Beefy & The Bee! Hmmmmmmm?
More power to you...I clearly don't have the discipline to go through with a diet like that.
BUT I MUST ADMIT...the uncontrollable laughter you've caused HAS to be exercise!
THANKS!
Meliss, im doing organic avenue's LOVE DEEP cleanse and its much better than blueprint - so amazing xx Brendan
Bee -- I just did Jill Petitjohn's cleanse and lost (no joke) 9 lbs and look and feel great. And I'm not really a cleanse person.... email me for more deets
Bee - I totally feel your pain, you however are a much stronger woman than moi. I will just try to eat just a little less (ok maybe more than that) and perhaps hit the wagon.
I can't wait to hear how the cleanse works out! Good luck on the bender, have a vodka press for me.
OMG BEEFY! You freaking KILL ME! Every time. What do you think of Beefy and the Bee: A tale of two shitties?
Ooh...I feel like I should've explored other options besides Blueprint. Damn. Thanks for the tip, Bren! And Abbey, too. I am sure I will do some more of them, so maybe I'll try out those two, too. Bit of an addict now...
A tale of two shitties? CLASSIC! (Get it "a classic"? I know...I tried. It's early.)
Holy crap! That Blueprint is pricey? Shouldn't you really be focusing on that whole mattress issue? ;)
Looking forward to reading more about your former "garden mulch" experience. Good luck with this go around.
And thanks for visiting my blog and the comment. Cheers!
wow.. all i have to say is.. good luck with that :-) Seriously, I wish all the will power in the world!
LOL!!!!!!!!! Hilarious! You gave me a wonderful afternoon laugh... sorry!
I don't know about "that cleanse."
I like to do my own drinking Naked Fruit Mango Madness for 2 days!
Then I follow it up with one day of all fruits and second day of all vegetables.
A bathroom nearby is a must!
BOY... does that clean you out!
Welll... mooooooo ving on now... have a great rest of the day!
Oh, dear...I know what you mean! You're too funny!
I did the same as Jess - the Master Cleanse. This sounds much like a much better alternative to that - blehblehbleh to drinking cayenne pepper all day.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, guys! I am going to need it. Tomorrow I will start weening off the caffeine. No bueno :(
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