Anywho...
Miami was a blast. A hoot! And there is oh so much to share. Never before have I seen such gluttony. Such a scene. Such fabulosity. Allow me to explain.
As you'll recall, good friend Lauren invited us to Miami as part of her birthday present to her boyfriend Jason. So Paul and I packed our bags and flew down a day early to check into our fabtastic living quarters at Gansevoort South. Heyyy!
Baby got the hookup.
Needless to say, from the time we checked in, we were treated like royalty. It went something like this...
Thursday. We spend our day lounging on the rooftop, drinking mango daiquiris and frozen mojitos, and frolicking about in the pool. Here's Paul seeking respite in our private, shaded cabana.
¿Muy guapo, eh?
That's when we meet Russell.
Slight, dapper, and unassuming, Russell approaches and offers to apply a leave-in conditioner to my hair. Says he works for the hotel. Promises me my locks will be silky and shiny. I acquiesce. And look! Frizz-free curls in 98% humidity!
Dude's talented.
Mildly tanned and looking like a Breck girl, I join Paul for a stroll along South Beach and lobster at A Fish Called Avalon.
Not A Fish Called Avalon, but my favorite shot of the night.
Night.
Night.
Friday. Pablo and I arise bright and early for a workout and breakfast by the pool. A cabana is secured. With Lauren and Jason due to arrive at 2pm, I settle into a routine of drink, sleep, read, primp, pee. We break for a walk on the beach.
It's not long before Russell arrives and, with a knowing glance, begins kneading my scalp like a Pretty Cut And Grow Doll. I take in the scene.
- Chicks all around me, topless.
- Impossibly skinny girls masquerading as 14-year-old boys.
- Ass cracks galore.
- A 5'2" cro-magnon, we'll call him Sal, with a cell phone attached to his palm, glued to his ear. "You comin' down? I got bitches everywhere." Sal is quite possibly a relative.
- Someone pops open a bottle of champagne. $290 on the poolside menu. Approximately one third of it explodes into the pool. "Omigod Amy!" Amy twirls through the $100 puddle of bubbly. "CHEERS!"
- A mother load of sushi is delivered to cabana #4. It bakes in the sun for 15 minutes before a 22-year old topless chick takes a bite. "Ugh, it's SO hot, I can't even EAT."
- It's All About the Benjamins blasts through the Bose. What?
- I check the entrance for Puffy. Any minute now.
- I lather on more SPF 40. Sal reapplies baby oil and iodine, in utter defiance of the UVB. It occurs to me that Sal has been hired as Puffy's security detail.
12:02pm. Bzzz!. Lauren: "Missed flight. Trying for 1:20."
12:07pm. Bzzz!: "Everything is booked. Nothing avail until 9pm tom night."
12:41pm, Bzzz!: "This sux. Don't think we can come. Jason knows everything. I can't fu@#king believe this."
1:35pm. Bzzz!: "YAY! On a flight! See you at 9:30pm!"
Oh, the DRAMA!
Deep breaths, big gulps. "Another round, please!"
Shower, dress, eat at O'LA. Slurrrrp!
On to Philippe for drinks. Lauren and Jason are here!! The surprise has been squashed, but they made it, and that's all that really matters. Check out my pretty little friend. It's literally impossible for her to take a bad pic.
Saturday. Rise and shine. Jason and Paul head up to the rooftop to secure our spots for the day. We're told it gets mad packed on the weekends. Ah, but this time, no cabana. Apparently on Saturdays, cabanas are a cool six bills for the day. Six hundred dollars for a couch and a mylar coffee table! Mothers. Wanna bumble wit the bee hahh? I'll bake before I fork over $600 for some shade.
And so we bake.
- The volume has been turned up a notch all around.
- A couple dressed as Oompa Loompas take their place at the edge of the pool. Oompa Loompette takes off her pink bikini top to reveal two orange bags of sand. All shades of crazy are welcome in Miami.
- "Did someone call for the bubbly?!"
- Moet. Sushi. Moet with strawberries. CAVIAR.
- Sal the cro-magnon paces with his Motorola. In the pool. On the chaise lounge. Forever reapplying Hawaiian Tropic Extra Crispy.
- A football is thrown. Ten girls squeal. Somewhere, in the distance, the Fat Boys taunt us. Hehehehee Wipeout.
- Fake. Boobs. Everywhere. The new Silicon Valley.
- Russell appears, massaging and combing and cooing over my locks. I slip him a Hamilton.
- Sal the cro-magnon has officially turned purple. Paul expresses concern. Jason dubs him The Grape Ape. Hilarity ensues.
- Topless chicks outweigh law-abiding citizens by about 2:1. I threaten to tip the scales when my green J.Crew halter comes undone in the pool. Just like that! Headlights. I tie my kini back up and grip Paul's neck like a vice.
I manage to get a picture of the clientele without looking like a total perv. Meet Pinky and the Cheeks.
Take a closer look and you'll notice a pair of black high-tops.
Cut!
And yet, though it's now clear as day, NOBODY TELLS ME that I was really brought down to South Beach to star as "Chunk #1" in a Puff Daddy video. WTF?! Aghast, I order up my fifth bellini of the day and park myself next to what I believe to be the director's chair. Look, Puff! I saved one for Cassie, too.
And then, 1-2-3, it's time to go home. Check the coche. Grip on the whip, for the smooth getaway.
I miss it already, though I'm so happy to be back in NYC.
Thing is, I still have not planned our August vacay... and after all the sun I just soaked up, I'm beginning to wonder if I need a new plan of attack. Like a trip to Vancouver? Or a week in Reykjavik? N'awlins? Please, opine. I'm up for any adventure, just as long as I'm back in time for the VMAs. Bee's most definitely shakin' it in slow mo on All About the Benjies 2008.
Miami Vice pics picked up here.
24 comments:
HAHAHAH you are hilarious!!! And wow! Black hi-tops!? EEK! :)
oh my gosh. best. post. EVER. miami is in a league of its own, no? i was there for art basel last december, and even though i only live, like, three hours away, i felt like i was in a different country. ridiculously fun, though i'm not sure i could live there.
you are too funny. glad you guys had fun!
hahaha! too funny. I'm loving the fact that you snapped a photo of them :) where's the grape ape?
I save your posts for lunch time reading. As I gorge myself on an overstuffed panini behind a cheap desk with stale air, I can giggle and giggle at your tales. This one takes the cake. I nearly had food all over my monitor when I read Friday's events.
You are fricking hilarious, bee!!! I had quite a good laugh this morning:) Great run-down of the whirlwind adventure - loved the black hightops and mesh covered ass! ha!
Hilariousness all around! And, those black hightops.....
Really fun(ny) post - love the Sal, Miami Vice references . . .
I have not been to Miami and I don't know if your post makes me WANT to go or AVOID it...hahaha...
The line "Sal is quite possibly a relative" is probably the funniest one ever.
Ah, Bee...back to the hive! :)
Yeah...so...I'm kinda feeling like I wanna wash up after reading this...? I don't know, I've been told otherwise, but just don't think the Miami thang would do me right?
Black high-tops? Can't you just smell the assault & battery charges coming on? Seriously, I think I'd have to slap him. And this would only result in his fist moving toward the face that would now be emanating sounds that should only come from primates and 6 year old girls.
Following the conversation with the local police and hotel security I'd have to walk through the gathering crowd, back toward my cabana, only to overhear remarks like, "Who's the dude in the parka?" or "Is that Bea Aurthur?"
Then I'd get drunk on 14 too many Mojitos, fall into the don johnson doldrums, and then make some snide remark about someone's botched boob job...which would start the whole cycle all over again.
So while I'm glad you had a great time...I'm sticking to the northern half of the country for awhile. But as the pics can attest it CLEARLY agreed with you on some level...hey hottie! :)
If my "opine" counts for anything after that rousing PR narrative...I'd say Vancouver would be an excellent choice. But that's only because it's close to me. And, really, isn't it all about me? Yeah, it is...just ask the Miami police. :(
Wow - sounds like a CRAZY and AMAZING time! I kept thinking of that show Burn Notice based in Miami - the main guy is so hot by the way. I totally cracked up when you said it was the new Silicon Valley! HA! I'm glad you had a good time - realllly tempts me to visit!
I needed that ....that was hysterical! Boy, did you get Miami just right, too!
Clearly a trip you'll never forget!
Looks like you had a fun time!!! I as well think about the show Burn Notice when I see your pics!!!!
Oh goodness! What a weekend! I feel like Miami might be a different planet all together. Yes?
I also loved the line that Sal is quite possibly a relative - too funny!
Okay this was the best post ever! Just peed ma pants off!!!
I haven't laughed like that in a while from a blog post. You are on FIRE, baby! "Oompa Loompette takes off her pink bikini top to reveal two orange bags of sand."
Oh my... I miss Miami...but I don't miss those bags of sand.
LOL -- that was hilarious! And fun, as always. And don't think I didn't notice the black high-tops immediately :) eeek!
What a riot.
Can you imagine living there?
Finishing up my night with your blog...such a good decision...nothing like going to bed smiling!
You take me there...much better way of going to Miami for this flat chested, pale, not so glamorous momma! wheee!
YOU are hysterical. I can so picture this, especially as it brings back bad memories (shudder) of a trip to Vegas last spring. Too much skin, too little fabric, too much silicone, not enough SPF, too much liquor for them, not enough for me.
OMG, you're too effing hilarious, i CAN'T STAND IT!!!
I vote do-gooder vaca in NOLA. Bust your but, build something, feel good about yourself, have a lavish Southern meal, get drunk, dance to Dixie and call it a week well spent. Or road trip. I am a big fan of road trips: up either Northern coast with the wind in your hair and staring at the ocean. That's good too.
you are hysterical!! I want a hair guy!! xoxoxoxo
Madly catching up with all my blogger buddies and thoroughly enjoying your recap of Miami...quite the beauty you are! Sounds like a blast.
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